Hoffman 411: Mother’s Resume

I’ve decided to update my resume. No, I’m not looking for another job. I just figure that every once in a while you need to step back and take a look at yourself, and a resume is the perfect way to do that.

Here are some of the highlights:
• Chef, but mostly short order cook. “Mom, I want butter toast for breakfast, but not too dark. I want cereal, but milk on the side. Oh yeah, please.”

• Speech Therapist
We’ve discovered Jacob’s leaving the ends off many of his words, so we have changed our speaking patterns to help him out. If you visited our house now, this is what you’d hear: “Jaco-B, plea-z ge-T the mil-K ou-T.” It’s been quite a challenge, but already paying off.

• Teacher
Aside from the daily teachings of a mother, which are too numerous to list, I’ve added math, reading, science, history, geography, piano, Spanish and writing.

• Doctor
Runny noses. Cough medicine in the middle of the night. Splinters that always seem like the end of the world. And my poor dear Marcus who worries about every mole, freckle, bump and pain. I am constantly reassuring him that the concern of the moment is normal.

• Negotiator
This is a pretty simple one around here. A typical fight over a toy always leads to the question, “Who had it first?” Response from both? “I did.” I always end up with the toy.

• Referee
The pitter-patter (thumping) sounds of playtime: “Hey boys! Slow down… not so rough… take it easy… GO TO THR CORNER!”

• Chauffeur
Game night. Playgroup. Basketball. Tennis. 4-H. Birthday parties. Movies. Blockbuster. McDonald’s.

• Image Consultant
“Jacob, your friends will not think you look silly in that shirt. ‘If they do, are they really your friends?’” Isn’t this “what-to-wear” thing just supposed to be with girls?

• Housekeeper
Laundry and toys. Laundry and toys. Everyday is laundry and toys.

• Repairman
“Honey I think a little glue will take care of that wheel.” Sometimes my repairman job leads to “trashman job,” if you know what I mean.

• Accountant
As we spend an afternoon in Toys ’R Us: “Marcus, I know you got $5 for Valentine’s Day, but that is not enough to buy a new bike.” His next find – a pack of Harry Potter trading cards with a quantity sure to be less than three. “Do you really think that’s worth five bucks?!”

• Pet caretaker who secretly longs to be an exterminator.
We’re now home to a bearded dragon who eats live crickets everyday, an eight inch long millipede, a bucket full of crickets and a cat. With spring approaching, I feel another season of grasshoppers, worms, more crickets, caterpillars and whatnot coming on.

• Nutritionist
“I know it’s called syrup, but we are not putting Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup on your pancakes.

Psychologist, personal shopper, barber the list goes on and on.

Unfortunately my degree is in communications, and that only covers part of my responsibilities. I’m just winging the rest. And what about my work at Hoffman Publishing and as Mrs. Hoffman… but that’s an entire other Hoffman 411.

Until next time,